I am learning to understand where my thinking is stinking. It is not my kids fault that I am where I am, it is mine. It is my choices that got me here. Okay, I don't think I want to take total blame for all that has happened to me. I did not chose to have my husband die. However, it seems like some of my children think I did. It was lung cancer and we had no choice. Damn cigarettes. I just don't understand those things. I do however know the constant struggle and humiliation he lived with by being addicted to them.
Okay, so Tami went to Saint Simon's yesterday...I didn't know she was going...Saint Simon's Island is where I put my husband's ashes in the ocean. It is also where Jerry and I vacationed. He loved it there. I have not been back for 6 years. I would love to go back for a visit. Hmmm but Tami didn't think of me. I was very upset yesterday when I heard she went there without even telling me...I spent the entire night telling myself how stupid I was being. It is there life and I cannot force myself into it. However, it is still lonely out here. I can't expect my children to feel my pain and know what I need. Darn it. I know I need to make a life for myself. However, I just don't feel like it without them. I have had kids since I was 17. Where do I go from here?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
My weekends!
Well, it is Monday morning, finally. I don't like the weekends...It use to be it was a time for family get together and doing special things with family. Well, that died along with my husband. My children can't fit me into their busy schedules. I have text and even called some of my kids....they dont pick up or even acknowledge they got the call. My daughter Lynn does check up on me to see if I need anything and she takes me to the store to buy groceries. However, when I am with her I feel so guilty having to tag along. I have lost my freedom when I sold my car. As far as buying another..I don't see that ever happening. I just can't afford it. I will be getting my Widow's SSI in December and that will cover my rent an utilities. There just is no money for car payments. So, am stuck at home all the time. I am finding that the television is my only means of entertainment and heck my company as well.
So, I am embarrassed to say my kids don't want me around. No, I am not a drinker nor a drug user, nor do I want a man around anymore. I guess the only thing wrong with me is I am broke and I don't have the money I use to. I can only conclude I am an embarrassment to some of my children. I read my Bible and watch HGTV. Gosh, I am an old lady!
So, I am embarrassed to say my kids don't want me around. No, I am not a drinker nor a drug user, nor do I want a man around anymore. I guess the only thing wrong with me is I am broke and I don't have the money I use to. I can only conclude I am an embarrassment to some of my children. I read my Bible and watch HGTV. Gosh, I am an old lady!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Widowhood
Where on earth am I, who am I, what am I? How much longer before this life is over and I can check out Heaven.
April 3, 2003 my life changed for the worse...All those cliches are now my world..."should a, could a would a". I've even had my mother's words invade my way too depressing life. "Where will you be if" was her favorite. Funny, I feel her presence quite a bit lately. Okay, the last thing I want to do is talk about my mother. I want to talk about now, my life, and the reality of being a widow.
It was my second husband, Jerry who was the "love of my life". He took care of my 4 children, loved them like his own. Okay, that sounds cliche too...I am trying to avoid those cliches but they just keep popping up. Jerry never raised his voice to "our children"..spoiled them and always loved having them around. Their children were his grandchildren and he was loved by everyone. There were times when I thought I was the step parent...He was more than loved, he was adored by my children, I mean "our" children.
Being diagnosed with lung cancer was his worst nightmare...and then 27 days later he would be gone. I felt as if I was thrown into oncoming traffic and splattered all over I-75. Nobody could relate to me, some didn't bother to try. I hurt so bad. I was unable to notice the pain our children were going through. I only felt my own. I was in a wreck and I could not crawl out of the mess. I just wanted to stop hurting....and find hope that would be with Jerry again. I couldn't go to sleep and I couldn't wake up. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't have the insight to think of how our children and grandchildren were hurting. I was self absorbed in sorrow. I know that now...but when it happened I was not able to see there pain and I think that is something my children hold against me today.
I have been a mother since I was 17...and I don't know much more than that. It was my life and then to get grand kids and go through it again was a blessing. I always thought my family would be there for me. But I was wrong. Everything has changed for me. And the worst part is no one has time for me. It makes me wonder if I ever had a relationship with them or did they come visit just for my husband.
How do I live with just me? How do I take care of just me? I remember times when I went to the grocery I would walk down the isles and see the things I would pick up for Jerry..."Don't forget to pick up some more chocolate slrup" he would say. That man could eat a bowl of ice cream every night and never gain an ounce. Gosh I miss him.
I lost everything...my husband, my home, my car....my life. But I lost something I never thought I would lose and that was some of my children. All our lives Jerry and I gave as much as we could to our children. We went through some really rough times with some of them and ran to help them. We loved to give to them. We wanted to be there for the good and bad times.
Our oldest had the most problems....and I don't blame her for them at all. I couldn't help wondering if I cause her to get into those messes. There was a 7 year stretch of my being single with the kids. I did things that are my biggest regret still. I made some bad impressions on my oldest, Lynn and she paid for them. However, it has all worked out. Lynn is the one who whispered in Jerry's ear "Dad I love you, and don't worry about Mom we will take care of her"...Little did she know that she would be alone in taking care of me.
Lynn had 4 children and was now a single mom herself. Her love life was a complex one. One thing I know is Lynn was always there when someone needed her. She was appreciated by Jerry and I over and over through the years. She always made holidays special and never failed to show her appreciation to both of us....even if she couldn't afford to. She now has 2 children in college, one 19 year old who is still wandering, and a 10 year old. She devoted her life, and her breath to her children. I tell you this because I am a burden for her, and it makes me feel awful. Nobody else cares about me. Oh they say they do with an occasional card or gift now and then but not for the everyday stuff.
Here I am 7 years later and I have been stripped of everything. My clothes are out of style and too small now. My furniture has been given away or sold to pay a bill. My 1993 jeep kept breaking down and I finally threw my arms up and sold if for a very small amount. Yep, I paid some bills with the money. I have a big heart as well and I give and give, but now I have nothing. I have lived with Lynn and her children and it has always been a bad idea. You just can't have 2 mothers in one home. I just didn't know my place anymore.
April 3, 2003 my life changed for the worse...All those cliches are now my world..."should a, could a would a". I've even had my mother's words invade my way too depressing life. "Where will you be if" was her favorite. Funny, I feel her presence quite a bit lately. Okay, the last thing I want to do is talk about my mother. I want to talk about now, my life, and the reality of being a widow.
It was my second husband, Jerry who was the "love of my life". He took care of my 4 children, loved them like his own. Okay, that sounds cliche too...I am trying to avoid those cliches but they just keep popping up. Jerry never raised his voice to "our children"..spoiled them and always loved having them around. Their children were his grandchildren and he was loved by everyone. There were times when I thought I was the step parent...He was more than loved, he was adored by my children, I mean "our" children.
Being diagnosed with lung cancer was his worst nightmare...and then 27 days later he would be gone. I felt as if I was thrown into oncoming traffic and splattered all over I-75. Nobody could relate to me, some didn't bother to try. I hurt so bad. I was unable to notice the pain our children were going through. I only felt my own. I was in a wreck and I could not crawl out of the mess. I just wanted to stop hurting....and find hope that would be with Jerry again. I couldn't go to sleep and I couldn't wake up. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't have the insight to think of how our children and grandchildren were hurting. I was self absorbed in sorrow. I know that now...but when it happened I was not able to see there pain and I think that is something my children hold against me today.
I have been a mother since I was 17...and I don't know much more than that. It was my life and then to get grand kids and go through it again was a blessing. I always thought my family would be there for me. But I was wrong. Everything has changed for me. And the worst part is no one has time for me. It makes me wonder if I ever had a relationship with them or did they come visit just for my husband.
How do I live with just me? How do I take care of just me? I remember times when I went to the grocery I would walk down the isles and see the things I would pick up for Jerry..."Don't forget to pick up some more chocolate slrup" he would say. That man could eat a bowl of ice cream every night and never gain an ounce. Gosh I miss him.
I lost everything...my husband, my home, my car....my life. But I lost something I never thought I would lose and that was some of my children. All our lives Jerry and I gave as much as we could to our children. We went through some really rough times with some of them and ran to help them. We loved to give to them. We wanted to be there for the good and bad times.
I have realized that I have 4 children and every single one is truly different. I have 3 daughters and 1 son. My son wanted to go live with his dad when he was small, something I now label as my worst mistake. He is grown now. We have had some good times but they are very few in between. He has a son who I want to be close to. However, I think my son keeps him away from me to punish me. There were those times I was absent in his life and he continues to punish me. I think the greatest pain in life is to look back and see the things you cannot change. However, I am proud of the man and father my son has become. If I had to blame one person for that it would be his wife. Not his father or me..but Kyleen. How he feels about me has nothing to do with her. I just wish he would forgive me for not insisting he stay living with me. I should of...I wish I did. There was no way a 7 year old knew what he really wanted.
My second daughter, Tami, always did what was right. She never asked for much. She never got into any trouble. Hm...I just realized that. She married a man we loved and he took good care of her. She was the quiet one. Tami would always do things her self, never asking for any help.
Then there is Tanya, "the baby". She was born during the final affair of my kid's father. I would deliver her and begging to make plans to divorce her father...Sad saying that now. But it was years of affairs. I could not have a friend without the fear of his hitting on them. There was no time for marriage for him...he was busy with his baseball teams. It was a very difficult time for all of us...except Tanya...She had no clue what was going on then. Tanya grew up having Jerry has her Daddy. She did adore him. However she was always restless. She seemed to always want to run towards something. She tried living with her real father...only to be kicked out. It would be Jerry who drove 10 hours to go and bring her home. It didn't last long. She would then move in with her sister Tami. There she could be the nanny to her nephew. J.D. I missed having her home...I was deprived of time with Tanya. That is another regret in my life.
It is Tanya who is still hurting after 7 years after Jerry's death. We have no relationship. I was told she is angry because I "looked right through her" at the memorial. I just can't explain to her where I was at that time anymore. She chooses to stay away. She has one son who is now 4 years old and I have never seen him. I have a couple pictures but there not the same. I don't know how he talks, plays or hugs. I suppose he has never heard of me. When she met her husband it was evident he didn't want much to do with her family. The years have proven it to be true. I know how much Tanya loved Jerry and I would like to think she loves me as well. But, I don't think so. I miss her. It's almost as if she has died.
Our oldest had the most problems....and I don't blame her for them at all. I couldn't help wondering if I cause her to get into those messes. There was a 7 year stretch of my being single with the kids. I did things that are my biggest regret still. I made some bad impressions on my oldest, Lynn and she paid for them. However, it has all worked out. Lynn is the one who whispered in Jerry's ear "Dad I love you, and don't worry about Mom we will take care of her"...Little did she know that she would be alone in taking care of me.
Lynn had 4 children and was now a single mom herself. Her love life was a complex one. One thing I know is Lynn was always there when someone needed her. She was appreciated by Jerry and I over and over through the years. She always made holidays special and never failed to show her appreciation to both of us....even if she couldn't afford to. She now has 2 children in college, one 19 year old who is still wandering, and a 10 year old. She devoted her life, and her breath to her children. I tell you this because I am a burden for her, and it makes me feel awful. Nobody else cares about me. Oh they say they do with an occasional card or gift now and then but not for the everyday stuff.
Here I am 7 years later and I have been stripped of everything. My clothes are out of style and too small now. My furniture has been given away or sold to pay a bill. My 1993 jeep kept breaking down and I finally threw my arms up and sold if for a very small amount. Yep, I paid some bills with the money. I have a big heart as well and I give and give, but now I have nothing. I have lived with Lynn and her children and it has always been a bad idea. You just can't have 2 mothers in one home. I just didn't know my place anymore.
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